


Hepcat: A Zoo Tale

by clockworkmargaret (morganya)



Category: The Mighty Boosh (TV)
Genre: A Wizard Did It, Animal Transformation, Gen, Magic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-08
Updated: 2019-06-08
Packaged: 2020-04-12 15:24:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,193
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19134811
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/morganya/pseuds/clockworkmargaret
Summary: So Howard's a cat now. Written for Bringing Back the Boosh week.





	Hepcat: A Zoo Tale

Sometime between morning rounds and lunch, Howard disappeared. Vince came back from the ocelot enclosure and Howard was in none of his usual haunts; not in the keepers' hut, not by small mammals, not hanging around the reptile house making goo-goo eyes at Mrs Gideon. Puzzled, Vince decided to ask around.

He asked Jack Cooper, who looked up from gnawing on his voles and snarled, "Fuck off out of here, you bastard." Under the circumstances, Vince decided it would be best not to pursue the conversation.

Then he went to see if Techno Mouse knew anything, but Techno Mouse was already off his face. He was dancing to the On Top remix, using fireflies as glow sticks, and Vince couldn't get anything out of him. Finally he shut the door to the hutch and hoped the little fellow wouldn't have too much of a crash.

He thought he'd go see Bollo and ask if he knew anything. Bollo had been distracted and often intoxicated since Naboo had resurrected him from Monkey Hell, but he still had a finger on the pulse of the zoo. Vince only hoped he would be sober.

Bollo was leaning against the wall of his enclosure playing with a stick when Vince arrived. He looked up and said, "Hello, Vince."

"Awright, Bollo," Vince said. "Have you seen Howard anywhere?"

Bollo grunted and rolled his eyes.

"It's just that he's disappeared," Vince explained. "I'm trying to find somebody who knows where he went."

"He should have known better," Bollo said darkly.

"Known what?"

"Him always fannying about with bad juju. It backfire on him big time."

"Backfire? What backfired? How?"

"The juju," Bollo explained. "He flip out and run off past hedgehog sanctuary. See for yourself."

"Right, thanks, Bollo," Vince said, and made his way to the hedgehog sanctuary.

Mr and Mrs Pinkerton, two of the hedgehogs, were in their small hutch, putting their hoglets down for a rest, when Vince got there. Mrs Pinkerton said, "See what he wants, will you, babe? I've got to go chase the ping pong ball before I can have a liedown."

"Yes, love," Mr Pinkerton said. "All right, Vince."

"Awright, Mr Pinkerton," Vince said. "You haven't seen my mate Howard around, have you? Bollo says he got himself into trouble again. I'm trying to find out where he is."

"Hmm," Mr Pinkerton said and rubbed his face. "What's he look like?"

"About yea high." Vince indicated with his hands. "Yea wide. Skimpy brown mustache. Tiny brown eyes like a starling."

Mr Pinkerton turned back to his wife, who was rolling a ping pong ball around the wood shavings. "Love, he's asking if we know where his mate is."

"Well, did you ask him what his mate looks like?"

"He said he had a mustache."

"Did you tell him about the curse, babe?"

"I forgot."

"Well, tell him about the curse and maybe that will help him."

"What curse?" Vince asked.

"One of the keepers found a cursed collar by the sanctuary and now he's not himself anymore," Mr Pinkerton explained. "Maybe that was your mate?"

"Did he have a mustache?"

"He used to," Mr Pinkerton said. "He ran over to the petting zoo. Maybe you can help him."

"I'll have to try," Vince said and went over to the petting zoo. He knew he was on the right track when he saw Howard's discarded uniform lying on the ground.

He called, "Howard," once he got close enough. Over the usual sounds of the goats' and the lambs' happy sing-song babble, he heard someone that sounded a lot like Howard with added vibrato, mumbling, "Don't touch me, don't touch me."

Vince followed the sound until he got to one of the benches, where Howard seemed to be, judging from the sound. Vince dropped to his knees and looked under the bench.

A flash of golden eyes made him jump. When he settled down and took another look, there was a small, fluffy moggy with white and black coloring huddled up in the corner of the bench, growling at no one in particular in Howard's soft Northern voice. There was a splash of black over its otherwise white face that looked remarkably like a moustache.

"Awright, Howard," Vince said. "Had a busy day?"

The Howard-cat flinched and then stared at him with huge, very not-Howardy yellow eyes. "Vince! Something's all wrong! I picked up this collar to take to Lost and Found and now everything's too big and everything smells funny! I don't know where I am!"

"You're still at the zoo," Vince pointed out. "You're just a cat at the moment."

"What do you mean, I'm a cat?"

"Mr and Mrs Pinkerton said that you picked up a cursed collar. A collar –" Vince checked. There was a red leather collar with a cute tiny bell around Howard's neck. "You're wearing it."

"I thought I heard something jangling." Howard looked woeful. He lifted a leg and tried to scratch the collar off. "It's stuck. What am I going to do?"

"You might come out from there, that'd be a start."

"No. It smells funny."

From his limited experience dealing with cats, Vince figured that Howard wouldn't come out of hiding without a fight, and he didn't think they'd get anywhere if Howard stayed under the bench for the rest of his nine lives. Maybe, Vince thought, he'd like a toy or some sort of treat. He couldn't see any balls or catnip mice laying around, so he picked up a stick and edged one end under the bench.

"What are you doing? Poking at me like that. What is that?" Howard put out a paw and touched the stick. Vince drew it back. "Here. I was just getting interested."

"In this?" Vince poked the stick back under the bench. Howard grabbed it with two paws and began chewing on it. Vince pulled the stick out again. This time, Howard came with it.

It took a moment before Howard realized he was out from under the bench. "You little batty crease," he said and flattened himself against the ground, fur standing out in all directions. "You tricked me. Fuck off."

"I think we should go see if Naboo knows how to change you back," Vince said. "C'mon."

"No," Howard said sulkily.

Vince scooped him up, making sure his hands and face were out of attacking range. "No!" Howard yowled, but promptly huddled into Vince's arms while digging into Vince's sleeve with surprisingly sharp claws.

He took Howard to Naboo's hut. Naboo looked up from polishing the souvenirs and said, "All right, Vince."

"Awright, Naboo," Vince said. "Howard's been turned into a cat." He held Howard out so Naboo could see for himself. Howard's tail flicked warningly.

Naboo put down his chamois and booped the tip of Howard's nose. Howard hissed at him. Naboo thought for a moment and then said decisively, "Enchantment."

"Mr and Mrs Pinkerton said it was a curse."

"They're about the same," Naboo said. "Only way to break it is getting that collar off."

"Take it off, then," Howard said. "This jingling's driving me mad."

Vince translated for Howard as best he could. Naboo said, "It doesn't work like that. The collar can only be removed by the one who created the enchantment."

"But we don't know who created it," Vince said.

"The name's written on the collar," Naboo said.

Vince held Howard still with one hand and checked the collar with the other. 'Please return to Karen' was neatly stitched into the leather with black thread. "Who's Karen?"

"Probably a witch," Naboo said. "I'll make some calls. Hopefully she's still in the area."

"What if she isn't?" Howard asked. "I'm not going to be a cat for the rest of my life, I'll tell you one thing for certain, sir."

Vince said, "He's having some sort of feline breakdown, Naboo."

"Give him some catnip," Naboo said placidly. "I'll start looking around."

Vince took Howard back to the keepers' hut. As soon as Vince put him down, Howard took off and dived under the settee. Vince said, "C'mon, Howard, you can't stay under there forever."

"Watch me," Howard said.

Vince went and made a cup of tea while he considered what to do next. He thought that he wouldn't really mind having a cat for a mate. Maybe he could coordinate his uniform to Howard's markings and they could be twins. Or he could make Howard a miniature version of his usual uniform, one that actually fit him. Of course, Howard wouldn't be able to perform his usual duties, what with no longer having any thumbs, but Howard had never really been much of a worker anyway. Vince might have to distribute a few more seeds than he was used to, to pick up the slack, but that wasn't really work so much as it was a chance to have a chat with his animal friends, so that would be okay.

It occurred to him that he should make both of them a snack. He took some jaffa cakes for himself and wondered what he should make for Howard. Howard's usual tastes ran towards cheese and onion crisps or toast with Marmite, but Vince doubted that cat stomachs could handle the Moon diet. In the fridge, there was some cold chicken that had been set aside for some of the smaller animals, so Vince finished his jaffa cakes and got it out.

"Howard," he said, "do you want one of these?"

"Go away," Howard said.

Vince flicked a piece of chicken towards the settee.

"You'll get nowhere tempting me with your sweetmeats and fondant fancies, little man," Howard said.

"You can't have fondant fancies," Vince said. "Remember when I tried to give the lions fairy cakes? Their stomachs couldn't take it. It took ages to clean that enclosure up. If I tried to give you any sweets, you'd probably explode."

"No more sweets. One more thing I've lost," Howard said. "What is that, turkey?"

"Chicken."

"Have you dipped it in something? It smells…juicy."

"It's only a bit of chicken. Aren't you hungry?"

"No," Howard said, but he crept out from under the settee, belly low to the ground and ears pinned back, delicately picked the piece of chicken up in his mouth and started chewing on it.

Vince settled on the couch and turned on _Colobus the Crab_ , absently offering chicken pieces to Howard as he watched. It took a good three-quarters of the episode, but eventually Howard was sitting next to him on the couch, eating chicken from his hand.

"I'm going to be a cat forever," Howard said miserably after he'd licked any lingering traces of chicken juice from Vince's fingers. "Trapped within the confines of a whiskered prison."

"C'mon, Howard," Vince said. "Naboo said he would track whoever it is down."

"But what if he can't?" Howard's head suddenly shot up and his tail began flicking back and forth wildly. "Oh, God. I'll lose every piece of dignity I have. I'm going to have to shit in a box. And chase mice. I'll throw up hairballs."

"You've already done all those things," Vince pointed out. "It was a lot more disturbing to watch when you were a human." 

"Shut your mouth," Howard said. He stalked away from Vince, tail held high, before settling on the other end of the settee and glaring at nothing. Vince attempted to pat him on the head. Howard hissed and thwapped his hand away with one paw, although, Vince noticed, he kept his claws sheathed.

"Even if Naboo doesn't find the witch, it can't be so bad," Vince said.

"I'm not in the mood for your patented Vince Noir sparkles and rainbows treatment," Howard warned.

"Why not? You'll get to sleep twenty hours a day, eat tuna, lie in the sunshine. People pay money for that kind of life." Vince risked sliding closer to Howard.

"…I do like sleeping," Howard admitted grudgingly.

"You can sleep anywhere when you're a cat," Vince said. He skritched Howard behind the ears. This time, Howard tolerated it. "Here, Howard, maybe you could be the zoo mascot. I'd make you a costume and all. We could put your picture up on the zoo webpage. Photoshop a little beret and a saxophone onto you. Maybe even have a Quicktime video of you."

"You're not going to dress me up in ridiculous costumes and throw me on the internet," Howard said. "I don't clown and dance for people's entertainment, Vince."

"You danced for Fossil."

"That never happened."

"It's on video."

" _Never happened_ ," Howard repeated. He rubbed his cheek against Vince's palm. "No, my talents lie beyond the internet, Vince."

"Leroy showed me pictures of a cat who got famous online for looking miserable all the time. You want to try for that?"

"Yeah, I think I'm fine, thanks," Howard said. Vince ran a finger under his fuzzy chin. Howard hesitated for a moment and then crawled into Vince's lap, kneading at his trousers.

"Internet cat," Vince said, idly stroking Howard's fur. "We'll be the only zoo around with our very own internet cat."

"You've got to dream bigger, Vince," Howard said, and then fell asleep on Vince's knee.

Vince watched the TV while Howard napped. His legs went numb after twenty minutes but Howard was curled up in a ball with a paw over his eyes and Vince didn't have the heart to move him. He was just drifting off to sleep himself when he heard Fossil shouting, "Vince!" over the loudspeaker. He jumped, which made Howard jump, and they both had to scrabble to hear what Fossil was shouting about.

What Fossil was saying, apparently, was, "Vince Noir! Come to the office and bring your worthless trash heap pal Howard Moon with you! You've got a visitor!"

"Well, this is just what I need," Howard said. "He's probably going to make me race a puma, or inseminate a cactus or whatever else he has in his head."

"It might be important," Vince said and scooped Howard up. Howard growled and squirmed but eventually settled.

When Vince opened the door to Fossil's office, Fossil was playing Out of Touch on his radio and doing one of his weird little dances. That was par for the course for Fossil, except there was a woman sitting by the desk, staring at Fossil baffledly. She was wearing a pointy, wide-brimmed hat, and her skin was purple.

"Vince!" Fossil said as Vince attempted to process what he was seeing. "Glad you're here! This lady tells me that she thinks Moon's been turned into a glowy-eyed allergy bomb!"

"What?" Vince said.

"A glowy-eyed allergy bomb," Fossil explained patiently. "You know, the little guys who walk around on all fours drinking milk?"

"Oh, for heaven's sake," the purple woman by the desk said. "I said that Naboo called me and said I could find a cat here. Not a bomb, a cat."

"This cat?" Vince said and held Howard out.

"Hello," Howard said, ears twitching, and Vince wanted to groan. He knew the sound of Howard becoming smitten when he heard it. It didn't matter that the woman in question was probably a witch who had turned him into a cat. Howard never could tell the difference between positive and negative attention.

The woman stood up and peered at Howard closely. Then her face fell. "That's it?"

"What?" Howard said.

The woman sat back down and put her head in her hands. "A house cat. Not a leopard. Not a tiger. A _house cat_. Look at him, he's not even a purebred. I can't even conjure up a miserable stinking Siamese. I try to create a familiar and this mangy piece of work is what I get for my trouble?"

"I _beg your pardon_ ," Howard said, his fur standing on end, but the woman just rose from her chair and swiftly undid the collar from Howard's neck. Vince felt the furry weight in his hands grow smooth and heavier, too heavy for him to hang onto, and he had to let go of Howard. Somewhere between his hands and the floor, Howard turned fully back into his old self. His clothes did not make the transformation back to human with him; he was sprawled out awkwardly on the floor, naked as a jaybird.

"Oh, good Lord," the woman said and covered her eyes. Fossil backed up against the wall, yelping, "Put some clothes on! I think I'm blind!"

Personally Vince thought they were overdoing it a bit; ever since he'd had that weird growth removed, a naked Howard was a pretty impressive sight. But Howard was already cringing and grabbing some spare papers from Fossil's desk to cover his modesty. He fled the office without a word.

Fossil instantly stopped yelling. "So, Vince, are you on night shift?" he asked.

"Yeah," Vince said.

"Okay. Bye!" Fossil put his radio back on and resumed dancing. The purple woman mumbled, "Bloody humans. Never again," snapped her fingers and disappeared in a cloud of smoke.

Vince went back to the keepers' hut. Howard had managed to find a spare uniform to put on and was sitting sulkily on the couch.

"Cup of tea?" Vince said.

Howard didn't look up. "I looked distinguished as a cat, didn't I? Not a whisper of mange about me."

"A walking tuxedo," Vince reassured. "Haven't seen the like since I left Bryan in the jungle."

"Did Bryan wear a lot of tuxedos?"

"That was all he wore. Mind you, it did get hot in the jungle. Never knew how he got around without getting heatstroke."

Howard considered this for a moment. "Did she say anything about me once I'd left? Maybe she changed her mind about me?"

"She said she was never doing it again."

"Oh," Howard said. He sighed. "Well, at least that collar's off. I was worried for a minute there. Good to have the old body back. Should we get ready for the night shift?"

"Do we have to?"

"Time waits for no man, Vince," Howard said. "Let's go check the Moonlight World, hm?"

Vince followed Howard and they went about their rounds. Together they gave the animals dinner and cleaned out the cages. They sang a song about zebras. At the end of the shift they went back to the keepers' hut and Howard made them both cheese and tomato toasties while Vince got the sleeping bags ready.

"Early start tomorrow," Howard said after he'd washed the dishes and he and Vince had gotten into their pajamas. "Maybe we'll have an ordinary day for once."

"Do we ever?"

"I suppose not." Howard said, and got into his sleeping bag. "A man can dream, though, can't he?"

"Why dream about ordinary days? Why not dream about flying fire hydrants or melting postage stamps? There's a lot of possibilities."

"Good night, Vince," Howard said muzzily, tiny eyes already closed.

"Good night, Howard," Vince said, burrowing into his sleeping bag.

And if Howard curled up close to him after falling asleep, making kneading motions with his hands and making a sound that was suspiciously similar to a purr, Vince wasn't going to mention it.


End file.
